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"You know," I said into the quiet, "it was really hard for me. To findout you were..." A girl? Sorry." I wish... you'd said something earlier." What difference would it have made?" I loved you." Loved?" Shit, Alex. I'm no lesbian!"She snorted miserably. "It was all so fucking horrible. Elise, you werefucking awful and that was the worst."Which hurt, with its truth."You don't understand. I gave my heart, mind and body to you and all thetime you were... pretending." Never my love for you."Quiet stretched."I missed you." I touched her hand. We'd always held hands, even whenthey'd laughed and taken the piss at school."Me or him?"So I held her hand tight again. "Lexia, I love you." But?"There were tears in her eyes. "No buts. I'm sorry for how I was. Really,truly sorry." I'm sorry too," she whispered. "For putting you through it. If ithadn't been so horribly wrong, carrying on as Alex, I would have." I know. I want to be your friend again. Your best friend, if you'llhave me." I really need. That wasn't so bad, was it?"I turned before she could see me start to cry. And I walked home with very mixed emotions. I still felt the warm, post-orgasmic glow. But I also felt the sting of humiliation. I decided that I didn't like Eileen very much, even though I really liked the sensations her hand had caused me just a few minutes ago.As it turned out, I had a lot of sort-of dates in the coming months—especially after I bought beater to drive around in. It usually wasn't like real date—you know, we didn't go to a movie or a dance together. No, usually some girl would ask me if I could take her to the downtown library one night to do school research or drive her home from some school dance. Some of the guys thought it was pretty strange that girls seemed always to want to get a ride with me. It certainly wasn't my car—a 15 year-old clunker.It took me a while to figure out what was going on. I started putting two and two together when I realized how similar these "dates" turned out.
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